It wasn't until I was 25 years old that I told my father that I had been molested and it wasn't until I wrote "Broken and Rebuilt for the Kingdom" that anyone found out that I had been raped,addicted to drugs and beaten by my ex-husband as much as I was. I never said a mumbling word.
I carried this pain with me all that time. I don't even know if I ever showed signs of something being wrong with me. I mean you would think someone would know that my issues had to go beyond being depressed.
I had always dealt with my pain by inflicting more pain on myself. Using drugs was a big infliction. Smoking marijuana would ease the pain for so long, but then I experienced a different kind of rape. It was violent and painful. It stripped me of any attempt that I ever would make of getting my life together. Even being beating by my husband sent me even deeper into doing drugs.
Marijuana would no longer be able to cover up my pain. I needed something to numb me. That's when I began to use cocaine. It didn't take away the nightmares though. So, I became an insomniac.
Some would even ask me now why I never said anything. I mean with everything that I had already experienced in my life, do you think I felt that someone would care. I didn't even think that the police would care; therefore, I didn't even tell them. I just carried this evil demon with me throughout my life.
It had a major affect on my life. My body was a rag to some man, so I let it be a rag to any other man that came along. Who cares? By this time I really saw life as a waste. I often told God that He could have taken that time and invested it in someone or something more important than me. I didn't care about nothing and no one.
I came to a point where I had to make a choice. Either I was going to keep looking at life as waste of time and go through it just barely existing or I was going to take time to get to the root of what was really going on in my life. I began then to use the tools that I did have.
I knew who God was because that is the one foundation that my mother did lay in my life. I knew that God would have the answers to any question that I had for my life. So it was time to have a talk with Jesus. It was time to get real with myself and get real with God. So, I asked the question, "Why me Lord?"
Honestly, that wasn't a question that I was really ready to be answered. In my life, I had gotten caught up in self seeking, self absorbing behaviors. I was no where prepared for God to give it to me raw like He did.
I remember laying in my bed one night after a horrible dream and just crying out to the Lord. First, I began to plead with Him to ease the pain that had taken over me. I asked Him to really forgive me and to take over my whole life. I told God that I was tired of the way I was living and that I want to try things His way. With all my might, I asked, "God, why me?"
Never ask God a question like that you are not truly ready to know the real answer to. That is just what He gave me. I began to hear the Lord say to me..." I sent my son to die for people. Not so that He could be praised for His acts, not that He could get some kind of reward for even coming. My Son walked the earth and was treated in ways that where shameful. They talked about Him. They lies on Him and not once did He stop proclaiming the Gospel Do you think it was easy for Him to show people who I am."
God told me that sometimes people have to experience certain things so that other people will see that Heaven, hell, deliverance, faith, restoration, perseverance, and pure love aren't just things that is wonderfully written in a book. He said people need to see that there are others that have been through some storms and some life threatening situation YET, I PULLED THEM THROUGH. " You had to be my example. You had to be the proof of my existence. It was never about you personally but it was about your PURPOSE."
That night I realized that it was never about me. I had to take the selfish covering off my eyes and look at the multitude of little girls, young girls and women that stood out in the world with no hope, no faith, no idea of their purpose, no vision, and no idea of how to come out. My eyes were open to the number of people that doubt God's very existence because they have went through some of the very same things and feel that there is no way that there would be a God and He would allow such things to happen.
I began to look at a bigger picture. I realized that magnifying God was the only reason I was created and I had to began to lift Him up even for bring me out of such things like child molestation, rape, a pregnancy as a result to statutory rape, losing custody of my baby, drug and alcohol addiction, and domestic violence. I even realized that if God didn't exist these things could have been the very death of me.
I never said a mumbling word, but today I speak to everyone everywhere that don't believe that God is real. I say to you that I am a living witness that God is real and He cares for you. Even though we have seen some terrible things and a lot of those things were done to us, our bodies, and our minds somewhere along the way God kept us and He brought us out. Even to those that don't think there is a way out, BELIEVE me, God is there waiting to provide the escape. What He did for me, He will do the same things for you!
God Bless!
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